The Talk
by Random-Crap-To-The-Rescue
Summary: Komui wants to kill Kanda after learning he's dating Lenalee. Also sometimes Lavi just needs to learn to shut his mouth. Oneshot. Crack Fic! KandaxLenalee LavixOC if you squint. I do not own D.Gray Man


**Kitty- **I came up with this idea a while ago and thought it'd be funny! ^^ I don't own –man or any of its character just the one oc that is in this fic. Her name is Tara.

**The Talk**

It was the day after Christmas and Komui was intent on strangling Kanda after hearing that he was together with his darling sister. Meanwhile, Kanda, Lenalee, Tara, Lavi, and Allen were chatting in the cafeteria, though Kanda was just sitting there and trying to block them all out. That was when the older brother ran in screaming.

"Kanda whatever-the-hell-your-middle-name-is Yu, you are so dead!" Lenalee, however, realized what was going on far before her boyfriend. She launched herself in front of him, and threw her arms up as a shield. Komui came to a halt in front of her; drill in hand and looking bloodthirsty.

"But my dear little sister, don't you understand? This evil man must pay for his terrible crimes!" He whined.

"We haven't even done anything!" She screamed back at him (Kanda was starting to get what this was about). Unfortunately for the 'happy' couple, Lavi decided that then was as good a time as ever to deepen their relationship. Or get some payback for all those near-death experiences Kanda had put him through.

"Ah, but haven't you heard? Its too late- Lenalee's already pregnant!" He chimed in. There was a very stunned silence, which erupted into confused shouting.

"I am?" (Lenalee)

"She is?" (Tara)

"How is that even possible?" (Allen)

"It's not- trust me!" (Kanda)

"Why should I trust you? You're probably lying!" (Komui)

"I don't even know myself!" Lenalee cried out at last, and everyone stopped and stared at her.

"What do you mean?" Komui asked her, fingering his weapon that was very close to killing someone. She blushed.

"No one ever told me how babies are made!" This silence was even worse, and quite a lot longer.

"What do you mean you don't know? Even I know!" Kanda yelled at her (his neck being close to previously said drill).

"Well how do you know?" She yelled back.

"Tiedoll told me!" He was blushing too, now. Slightly.

"How?" Lavi asked slyly.

"He…. Drew it." _Now _Kanda was blushing.

"Ouch~" Whistled Tara, "That's got to of left some scars."

"Welll~" Started Lavi with a wide evil smirk. "You see, when a guy and a girl are in love-" Komui grabbed one of Lenalee's ears and Kanda covered the other. Tara threw her hands over Allen's who was just sitting there, confused.

"Shut up!" She screamed, very unlike her. "We have three pairs of virgin ears in this room!"

"Allen… Lenalee-chan… Whose the third?" Tara asked her.

"Mine! I'm only covering Allen's because he's younger!" Just then the head nurse passed by, spotting the commotion.

"She's not pregnant." She said in an authorities voice.

"But how are you sure?" Komui cried, clinging to the front of her dress in distress.

"She had her period yesterday." Lenalee went as white as a sheet, Kanda turned an even brighter red, Lavi sighed in distress that his evil plan had just been ruined, and Allen blinked uncomprehendingly.

"What's a period?" He asked, and Lavi realized that all was not lost.

"Well, you see, buddy, the gist of it is…" He led the poor young exorcist out of the room and into certain disaster. Tara looked back and forth between the door and the group.

"Isn't anyone going to stop him?"

…

Apparently not.

Lenalee finally lost the last of her composure and collapsed into Kanda's arms. Immediately Komui and said Japanese male began to panic.

"She's collapsed! She's collapsed! Someone call the head nurse, my darling sister's collapsed!"

"I'm already here." The head nurse sighed in annoyance. She was promptly ignored.

"CPR! CPR! No, not you Kanda! AS IF I'D LET YOU LAY ANOTHER HAND ON HER! JUST BECAUSE SHE ISN'T PREGNANT DOESN'T MEAN YOU'RE OFF THE HOOK!"

Half an hour later, everything had finally settled down, and Lenalee was walking through the halls. Suddenly, Allen turned a corner and saw her. He froze, looking white as a sheet.

"Allen-kun! I was just looking for you!" She walked up to him, and he scuttled away just as fast. She stopped, puzzled.

"L-L-L-Lenalee please don't come near me." He stuttered, looking at her and blushing bright red. Tara suddenly appeared from behind him, apparently she was getting lessons from Lavi.

"Oh hi Allen! Are you sick? You look awful!'' She stated, noticing that Allen had started to shiver violently. Then it hit her.

"Allen, did Lavi happen to tell you anything… strange?" she asked.

Allen just kept shivering, but managed a nod.

"I've lost my appetite." He grumbled, and fainted. Lenalee and Tara looked at each other in pure shock. How was it possible for _Allen Walker _to lose his appetite?

**Kitty- **Done! That did not take to long… sorry for the shortness… Review! ^^


End file.
